Misgendering: what to do when you get it wrong, when it happens to you and when you see it

Misgendering means referring to someone in a way that doesn’t match their gender. It includes using the wrong pronouns (“he” for a woman, “she” for a nonbinary person who uses “they”), the wrong gendered words (“sir”, “ladies”, “son”), or a former name, often called a deadname. It can happen by accident, out of habit or on purpose.

For trans and nonbinary people, misgendering is not a small slip that happens once. It can happen many times a day, from strangers, colleagues, family and forms. Each moment might seem minor to the person who said it, but together they can be exhausting, and in some settings they reveal private information or put someone at risk.

This guide is for three situations: when you misgender someone, when you are misgendered, and when you see it happen to someone else. Our guide to names and pronouns covers introductions and everyday habits; this one focuses on what to do in the moment and afterwards.

Why it matters more than it seems

People sometimes say “it’s just a word”. A few reasons it is more than that:

• It accumulates. One mistake is easy to brush off. Dozens a week wear people down.
• It can out someone. Using a deadname or old pronouns in front of others can reveal that a person is trans without their consent.
• It signals belief. Repeated misgendering, especially after correction, can feel like a message that the person’s identity isn’t real.
• It can create danger. In hostile places, being misgendered in public may draw attention or aggression.

Getting it right is a simple, daily way to show respect. Getting it wrong occasionally is human. The difference lies in how you respond.

If you misgender someone: the three-step repair

When you realise you’ve used the wrong name, pronoun or word:

1. Correct yourself briefly. “She, sorry, she said…” and continue the sentence.
2. Don’t make a scene. Long apologies, explanations about how hard it is for you, or self-criticism shift attention to your feelings. The person may then feel obliged to comfort you.
3. Do better next time. The real apology is in getting it right afterwards.

If someone else corrects you, a simple “thank you” and using the right word is enough.

If you realise later, for example after a meeting, you can send a short private message: “I used the wrong pronoun for you earlier. Sorry about that; I’ll be more careful.” Keep it short. You don’t need a reply.

How to practise new names and pronouns

Old habits can be strong, especially if you’ve known someone for years under another name. Practice helps more than good intentions.

• Practise when they’re not there. Say sentences out loud: “Alex is coming to dinner. They’ll bring dessert.” It feels odd at first and becomes natural quickly.
• Change your phone contacts and notes to the person’s current name.
• Think about them with the right words. Misgendering in your head tends to slip out in conversation.
• Use their name when you’re unsure of a pronoun in a fast sentence.
• Watch your language when talking about the past. “When he was a child, he loved football” is correct for a trans man, even if he was seen as a girl then.

If you speak a language with grammatical gender in adjectives and verbs, practise those forms too. They are often where mistakes hide.

Neutral language in public-facing work

If you work with the public, in a shop, restaurant, call centre or clinic, you meet people whose gender you can’t know by looking or hearing.

• Use greetings without gender. “Hello, how can I help?” works better than “Hello, sir” or “Yes, madam”.
• Refer to people by what they’re doing. “The person in the blue jacket is next” instead of “the lady in blue”.
• Use names from bookings carefully. If a booking name doesn’t match how someone presents, use the name they give you, or avoid names altogether.
• On the phone, voice is a poor guide to gender. Avoid “sir” and “madam” unless the caller uses them.

These habits help everyone, including cisgender people who are often mistaken for another gender.

If you are misgendered: choosing your response

Being misgendered can bring up anger, sadness, tiredness or embarrassment. You don’t owe anyone a perfect reaction. It helps to have a few responses ready, and to decide each time which one fits.

Gentle correction, for an honest mistake:

• “It’s she, actually.”
• “I use they.”
• “It’s Sam now.”

Firmer correction, when it keeps happening:

• “I’ve mentioned my pronouns a few times. Please use them.”
• “That’s not my name. I’d like you to use Sam.”

Choosing not to respond, which is also valid:

• With a stranger you’ll never see again.
• When correcting would be unsafe.
• When you’re simply too tired that day.

You are not failing anyone by letting a mistake pass. You get to decide where to spend your energy.

Ask allies for help. Friends and colleagues can correct others for you, so the work doesn’t always fall on you. Tell them what you’d like: some people want quiet corrections, others prefer to handle it themselves.

When misgendering is deliberate

Sometimes misgendering is not a mistake. Someone may refuse to use your name or pronouns, use your deadname to provoke you, or mock your identity.

• Recognise it for what it is. Repeated, deliberate misgendering after correction is a form of disrespect and, in many workplaces and schools, harassment.
• Document it. Note dates, what was said and who was present. Save messages or emails.
• Use formal routes if you want to. Many employers, schools and universities have policies that protect gender identity. In many countries, laws against discrimination or harassment may apply as well. HR, a union, a student support service or an LGBTQIA+ organisation can advise you.
• Protect your wellbeing. Limit contact where possible, and lean on people who see you clearly.

Our guide to being LGBTQ+ at work explains workplace options in more detail.

Records, forms and systems

A lot of misgendering comes not from people but from systems: an old name in a database, a title on an email, a gender marker on a medical file.

• Ask organisations to update your name and title. Many can change a preferred name even if your legal documents haven’t changed.
• Check which systems pull from which records. A bank, school or doctor may hold several records; updating one doesn’t always update the others.
• In healthcare, you can ask staff to note your name and pronouns. Where clinically relevant information depends on anatomy, a good provider can record that separately without misgendering you.

If you manage systems at work, make it easy for people to change names and titles without legal documents where the law allows.

If you see someone else being misgendered

Bystanders can make a big difference, as long as they think first about what the person would want.

• A light correction often works best. If someone says “he” about a colleague who uses “she”, you can simply continue: “Yes, she’s leading the project.”
• Don’t out anyone. If the person isn’t out in that setting, correcting might reveal their trans status. When unsure, talk to them privately afterwards.
• Ask what they prefer. “I noticed people keep using the wrong name for you. Do you want me to say something, or would you rather I didn’t?”
• Challenge deliberate misgendering. If it’s clearly intentional, a calm “That’s not her name” or “You know her pronouns” shows the behaviour isn’t acceptable.
• Follow up. A quiet “That was frustrating; are you okay?” can mean a lot.

Our guide on being an LGBTQ+ ally has more ideas for responding with purpose.

When you’re not sure of someone’s pronouns

You don’t need to guess.

• Listen first. People often reveal their pronouns through introductions, email signatures or how friends refer to them.
• Use their name or neutral phrasing until you know.
• Ask privately and simply. “What pronouns do you use?” is fine in most settings. Avoid making a public show of the question.
• Share your own in introductions or signatures, which makes it easier for others to share theirs without being singled out.

Looking after yourself if misgendering is frequent

Constant misgendering can be draining. Some things that help:

• Spend time in spaces where you’re seen correctly, online or in person.
• Keep a few people close who use your name and pronouns without effort.
• Notice progress. Family members and colleagues often improve slowly but steadily.
• Seek support if it’s affecting your mood, sleep or confidence. Our guide to minority stress explains why repeated small hurts can add up, and what helps.

The short version

• Misgendering is using the wrong name, pronoun or gendered word for someone.
• If you do it: correct yourself briefly, don’t make a scene, do better next time.
• Practise new names and pronouns when the person isn’t there.
• If it happens to you: choose a response that fits your energy and safety.
• Deliberate misgendering is disrespect, and often harassment; document it.
• As a bystander: correct lightly, protect privacy and ask what the person wants.

Getting someone’s name and pronouns right costs little and means a lot. When mistakes happen, a quick correction and steady effort usually repair them.

Sources and references

• GLAAD Media Reference Guide: transgender terms
• The Trevor Project: a guide to being an ally to transgender and nonbinary young people
• American Psychological Association: transgender people, gender identity and gender expression
• PFLAG: glossary of LGBTQ+ terms